Short jokes
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
Why did Michael Jackson like having little boys round him? He was studying for the priesthood.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Why do orphans support slavery?
They finally have an owner.
Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.
I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
Why can't dwarfs be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.