Short jokes
Roses are red, potato chips are savory...
The United States prison system is legalized slavery.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Radiohead had to remake "Fake Plastic Trees" after encountering Carrie Underwood in real life for the first time.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨
What do you call a Muslim guy in a bathtub?
A bath bomb 💣
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.
Do trees shit?
Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?
Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?
Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?
A: The size of balls they play with.
What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?
Ginger!
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.
Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.
Why did Michael Jackson like having little boys round him? He was studying for the priesthood.
Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.
I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.
What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?
Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.