Safety jokes

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?

Hot Wheels.

What did the traffic light say to the truck?

"Don't look, I'm about to change!"

What’s one good thing about a pedophile?

They drive slow in school zones.

Then: You want free candy?

Now: You want free Wi-Fi?

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?

Americans...

What is a paedo's favourite time of year?

Halloween because they get free delivery.

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

What do babies and explosives have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.

How many times does 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out!

Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.