Safety jokes
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What’s one good thing about a pedophile?
They drive slow in school zones.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
Then: You want free candy?
Now: You want free Wi-Fi?
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?
Americans...
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
Q: What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A: A bus full of children.