Safety jokes
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"
What’s one good thing about a pedophile?
They drive slow in school zones.
Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
Free delivery.
Then: You want free candy?
Now: You want free Wi-Fi?
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?
Americans...
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.