I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.
Safety Jokes
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
I love playing zebra crossing, but I always get run over.
What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?
One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
What problems might a blind child run into?
A wall.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
What did the traffic light 🚦 say? Oh.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
What do Americans call high school?
Shooting range.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
I gave a blind person a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of toddlers.
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.
Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.
Me: "/"
