Safety jokes
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?
'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
7 was a registered sex offender.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered sex offender.
I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a child?
You take your shoes off before jumping on the trampoline.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Why do 911 jokes always fail?
They always crash and burn!
Why do an emo's parents not let them cook, because they are afraid they will cut themselves?
Why can’t the baby cross the road?
Walls.
When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.