Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
What is red and puts out fire?
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.
Orphans: Going 180.
Why are orphans afraid of your orphanage?
Because I burnt it down!
Why do I love a block? Because I can fall off the stairs.
Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
A boy asked his dad for some money to buy an ice cream with, so he went to an ice cream van. Whilst he was in the queue, two boys asked him what flavor he was getting. He told them "strawberry." The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The ice cream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice cream for free.
When he got home, his dad also asked what flavor he bought. The boy said "strawberry." His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy, confused, walked down the street and was stopped by the police, who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice cream. The boy said, "That's me," and the policeman arrested him.
A week later in court, the boy was on trial. The judge asked, "Can you tell me what were you doing on the fifth of May?" (the day he was arrested) The boy said, "I was eating ice cream." The judge decided he was innocent. On the way out, the judge asked him what the flavor was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course, he answered with "strawberry." The judge, horrified, realized he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately, he couldn't change what had happened, so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died.
The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road.
If there's ever a shooting at school, pull out an Uno reverse card.
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.
š· š š Stay safe in Quarantine.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
