Safety jokes
How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?
Tell him you don’t believe in dog.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
I was looking forward to some toast...
So I took the toaster in the bath with me.
Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
You were born on the highway. That's where most accidents happen.
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?
A. They drive slow through school zones.
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
What's black and yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of orphans.
What does an orphan call a family photo?
A selfie.
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?