Safety jokes
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
I hate wearing a mask in public.
Paul Walker made a new wrap cover, it's called "Flying Through the Windshield," and the song's name is "Crossing the Street."
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
When the school lets you near children again...
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.