Safety jokes
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
What is yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Memes
Paul Walker made a new wrap cover, it's called "Flying Through the Windshield," and the song's name is "Crossing the Street."
You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
I hate wearing a mask in public.
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
When the school lets you near children again...
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.