Safety jokes
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.
I hate wearing a mask in public.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
Paul Walker made a new wrap cover, it's called "Flying Through the Windshield," and the song's name is "Crossing the Street."
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
When the school lets you near children again...
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.