What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Safety Jokes
You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.
Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?
The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....
I hate wearing a mask in public.
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
When the school lets you near children again...
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
What has more brains than a student in a school shooting? The wall behind them.
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"
What’s one good thing about a pedophile?
They drive slow in school zones.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
