Relationship jokes

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?...

'Cause they need to find someone to call DADDY.

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

What do you call a blind person on a date? A blind date.

What do orphans call a selfie?

A family photo.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.

The couple next door made a porn film.

They don’t know it yet.

Q: Why can't orphans be gay?

A: They have no one to call "daddy."

Why did the electron leave the atom?

Because it had its ion someone else.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.