Relationship jokes

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.

I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

There is a party in my mouth, and your dick is invited.

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

What does an astronaut call his ex from space?

SpaceX.

I have an auntie who has no arms and no legs. She is my dad's half sister.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?

Your virginity.

Quin loves Robin. All he says is "Robin." This isn't a joke; Quin's gay.