Relationship jokes

I was happy to find I could get a passing grade in all my subjects if I had sex with my teacher, until I remembered I'm home schooled.

Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?

Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.

More about Quinn: He loves Robin. He loves his tight ass. He licks up all his shit after Taco Bell.

I want coffee like my men.

Dark.

What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.

You mom.

Why did the bee get married?

Because she found her honey.

Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.

Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!

Me: But Billy's with her right now.

Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM

Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.

Q: What did the skeleton say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

A: Will you marrow me?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You a dumb a** b*tch, We all know it's true.

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.

Like if you wanna have sex.

What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?

Reload... chhchhhh.

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.

What did the man say to the woman? "Make me a sandwich."

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.