Relationship jokes

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.

I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

There is a party in my mouth, and your dick is invited.

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

I have an auntie who has no arms and no legs. She is my dad's half sister.

Quin loves Robin. All he says is "Robin." This isn't a joke; Quin's gay.

This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.