Relationship jokes

who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

none, they both eat out

What's the difference between parking a car and finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody finds out.

I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.

My boyfriend said if I kiss him, I'll get lucky. I fell down a flight of stairs.

If an orphan gets a girlfriend, they finally have someone to love them.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she can do better.

Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.

Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.

And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.

Why did Stephen Hawking's girlfriend finish with him? Because he would never walk her home.

There are two sexes: one with your mother and the other with you.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I was sitting in the back of the movie theater, where no one was. Suddenly, she was sitting in front of me with some guy she was hugging. I was furious. I couldn't stay there anymore, so her friend and I had to finish it in the toilet.

Why are hurricanes like women? Because they come into your life, take nearly everything, and leave.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.

"My love, I missed you."

"Aww, I missed you too."

"I did not miss *that* time!"

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.

One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"

The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"

The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"

Dating a German is great because they don't play mind games; they just provide a detailed, 40-page PDF explaining exactly why you are wrong.

Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.

He: "Do you know you have a space in your uterus?"

She: "How can I resolve this?"

He: "Get a Cancer!"

I have a crush on my sister!