Relationship jokes
Women understand each other.
That’s why they argue.
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.
What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?
Land ho!
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
The ten minutes of silence.
What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?
You don’t need parental consent.
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
What do you call a seven who's not feeling well? A sick seven
Where did Sally go after stepping onto the minefield? Everywhere
Getting a girlfriend is just like parking a car; usually all the good ones are taken, so you just gotta stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"
People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile.
And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.