Relationship jokes
Why did Stephen Hawking's girlfriend finish with him? Because he would never walk her home.
There are two sexes: one with your mother and the other with you.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I was sitting in the back of the movie theater, where no one was. Suddenly, she was sitting in front of me with some guy she was hugging. I was furious. I couldn't stay there anymore, so her friend and I had to finish it in the toilet.
Why are hurricanes like women? Because they come into your life, take nearly everything, and leave.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
"My love, I missed you."
"Aww, I missed you too."
"I did not miss *that* time!"
Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.
Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
Dating a German is great because they don't play mind games; they just provide a detailed, 40-page PDF explaining exactly why you are wrong.
Your taste in men is like my taste in humor: dark.
He: "Do you know you have a space in your uterus?"
She: "How can I resolve this?"
He: "Get a Cancer!"
I have a crush on my sister!
I always enjoy family reunions.
It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.
Summary of Twilight in one sentence:
Bella hits on two guys, runs away. Edward glances to Jacob saying, "Go Fetch," and suddenly Bella's his.
Isn't Barbie supposed to come with Ken?
Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.
I want to be a bag so we can be together.
I have a heart, alright. I just happen to see a mere hollow shell of one coming from you.
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.