Relationship jokes
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Q: What do women and KFC have in common?
A: Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
I'm hertophobic -
aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Mom: Daddy, stop!
Me: No!
Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.
So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."
His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.
His boss told him: "You suck."
And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.
His boss told him: "You suck for life!"
XD
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.