Relationship jokes
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Memes
Does everybody agree that this is correct or just me?
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.