Relationship jokes
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
Jack is a ugly meany who’s not going to my birthday!
Are you a race car?
Cuz I’m tryna fuck.
Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"
Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
Being an orphan always has an upside; for instance, a bag of chips is family-sized.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be single than be with someone like you.
I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
What's wrong with 89?
You blow me and I owe you one.
There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
Why is it that skinny men like fat women?
Because they need warmth in winter, and shade in summer.
I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"