Relationship jokes

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

What's the difference between my mum and my dad?

My mum stayed.

Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?

Her: What?

Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.

Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they can't scream "daddy!"

Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.

The couple next door made a porn film.

They don’t know it yet.