Relationship jokes
Mom: Daddy, stop!
Me: No!
Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.
His boss gave him some projects to work on, but he failed at it.
His boss told him: "You suck."
And he started sucking his boss, after he was done.
His boss told him: "You suck for life!"
XD
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.