Relationship jokes
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.
Like it’s my next meal.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!