Relationship jokes
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."
My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...
So I threw a carrot at her.