Relationship jokes

I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."

I have a son. Her name is Zara.

I also have a dad. Her name is Lydia.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, and the condom ripped; now they have a daughter.

If your uncle Jack needed help getting off of a horse, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

Kaleb: Addison, are you okay???

Addison: Not at all. People think I'm annoying and stupid! Do you?

Kaleb: Yes, once I pound you in the ass.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?

"No, you hang yourself first..."

"Fuck me."

That's what she said.

Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

You must have a good power supply, because you're easy to turn on!

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"