Relationship jokes

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

Calendars got dates.

Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!

Sister.

What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?

At least the mistake was loved.

The way ladies cheat nowadays is very alarming.

She might give birth to twins, but each twin having a different father. 😭

It turns into ligma.

Brother: What's ligma?

Big Brother: Ligma dick!

I found your parent!

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

Trump pumped and dumped his wife at the border.

Me: You have pretty eyes.

Her: Thank you.

Me: I can make them roll back 😈🥴

STORY OF 2 PEOPLE NOT ME:

Girlfriend: What would you do if I won the lottery?

Boyfriend: I would take half and leave you.

Girlfriend: Ok cool. I won 12 dollars here's 6 and don't come back.

Want to do a titcock dance with me?

What do you call an orphan taking a picture of themself?

A family photo.