My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.
You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.
When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."
I don't like the word "gun".
Whenever I say it, people always get triggered.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
Men wake up with a boner.
Women wake up yawning.
Coincidence?
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
When I woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats and eye, but when hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people loose their shit?
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
A horse walks into a bar.
Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What's the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.
I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.
