Relationship jokes
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
Just too bitter.
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
Sans: “pokes brother with ruler”
Papyrus: Sans, what are you doing?
Sans: Measuring your patience.
Papyrus: Grunts
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"
I said, "No, it doesn't!"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.
NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?
'Cause it's a place to eat.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
Girls are like blackjack.
I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.
I could never fall out of a boat because I've already fallen for you.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.
Your hairline is so far back, just like your dad is from you.
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."
My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Dating 101:
Here's what you do:
1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.