Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?
They like to bone a petite.
Relationship Jokes
What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?
"I'm sorry, I just had to."
What do you call a selfie of an orphan? A family photo.
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
I just wish I went on a date with Ariana Grande, and then everybody knew I fucked Ariana Grande.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
Boy: Will you remember me in a minute?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: Will you remember me in a day?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: Will you remember me in a year?
Mom: Yes.
Boy: Knock knock.
Mom: Who's there?
Boy: Bitch, you forgot me.
If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.
(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)
I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.
I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back...
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
"I'm still leaving you!"
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
If Kenny had a son, we all know he would also be his brother.
Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they have no one to call "daddy."
