Relationship jokes

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

How do you know when you're disliked?

When they always give you the camera for group photos.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

We just found out Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than Grandma.

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

Yeah, Eli is hot.

Love you baby :^

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

I don't know, I don't have one.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Mert has no dad.

Raihan fucks Ahmed who fucks Zupporah.

Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a cat?

I haven’t banged a hooker.