Relationship jokes
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
Before: Caring & Noble.
After: Chernobyl.
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Pickup line for gay people:
Roses are red, Antarctica is in the south, Get on your knees, And open your mouth.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?
Me & my dad!
Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?
They’re just two weeks to quit.
I've been told I've got a perfect cock.
She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.
What is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut?
They are always so distant! :-]
I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.
Your mother is such a slut, she should be in the NFL hall of fame for the greatest wide receiver!
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
Just too bitter.
What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?
Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.
Sans: “pokes brother with ruler”
Papyrus: Sans, what are you doing?
Sans: Measuring your patience.
Papyrus: Grunts
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"
I said, "No, it doesn't!"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!