Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Who's the fastest reader?
Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
I was in cooking class and my teacher said, "Does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?"
Me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.
Long story short, the teacher understood the joke, and now we are both in daily therapy. 😭💀
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana. Jack got high and slapped her thigh and said "you know you wanna". Jill said yes, pulled down her dress, and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Anyone else on here looking at depressing jokes to make themselves feel better? Not that it's working, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Well, enough with the sob story, I gotta go get my razors. See ya in the long run.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
9/11 victims are the best readers.
They went through hundreds of stories in a few seconds.
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.
