Relationship jokes

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I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.

Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!

Wife: Kid?

Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?

Your virginity.

Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?

Because they just keep getting harder and harder!

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Why is it inappropriate when guys say their girlfriends are their “Partners in Crime”?

Like we get it, bro, she’s underage.

Not a joke.

Any girls looking for a steamy hot man?

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Your parents are so proud of you. They LOVE you! <3

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.