My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.
Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
I love you
Man and woman are having a discussion. Woman looks into man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . ".
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in".
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?
Because he’s a fungi.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Why doesn't Hellen Kellers boyfriend like having sex with her? Cause she just lies there lime she's dead.
Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.
Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.
He just moved back in with his mom.
have you ever heard of Jane Doe? well, her husband's name is Dill, so I guess that makes him a dildo!!!
when you accidently choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that its your sister so who gives a f..k
what is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut? they are always so distant:-]
A hill billy female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.