Relationship jokes

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.

Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).

As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.

I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"

Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.

When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.

Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*

She has cancer.

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

"Karma is the guy on the Chiefs, Coming straight home to me."

How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?

They flip it over.

Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.

The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.

Your hairline is so far back, just like your dad is from you.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.