Relationship jokes

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

Frenid: R u gay?

Me: Yes u

Frenid: No I am bi.

Me: Dang it!

Frenid: What?

Me: I like u.

Frenid: Ok I like u to.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

There's nothing stronger than love, except for an M32 Rotary Grenade Launcher because fuck you and everyone near you.

I could never fall out of a boat because I've already fallen for you.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I dated a furry once.

The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

Brings a whole new meaning to brotherly love.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.