Protection jokes

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.

I decided to go home.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

Keep yourself safe!

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a rabbit?

One has kids to protect from predators, and the other has kids for predators.

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.

Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?

Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

Why do I carry pepper spray?

Just in case of as-SAULT.

What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

Condoms!

*Enter password*

"ScoobyDoo"

"Password must contain special character."

"ScoobyDooFeaturingBatman"

What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.

A condom!

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

In case of ill rhymes!