Keep yourself safe!
There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the concert?
Because his lyrics were so fire, he needed protection!
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
Why should you always wear rubber?
So you don’t leave DNA evidence.
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
*Enter password*
"ScoobyDoo"
"Password must contain special character."
"ScoobyDooFeaturingBatman"
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
In case of ill rhymes!
There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
How do you know Thor has your back?
He's an Asgardian (ass guardian).
My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"
