Protection jokes

Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so they could fuck in the water. But Jack forgot to use protection and now they have a daughter.

If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.

Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.

What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.

Your birth certificate is like an apology from the condom factory...

1+1=3

If you don't use a condom.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.

What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?

If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

What kind of mask are you wearing?

An Elon Musk!

Little boy asked his dad why he was born black.

Father replied, "So the heat from the sun doesn't burn your skin."

Then he asks, "Why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire?"

"So the coconuts when falling from the trees won't hurt you."

"Then what are we doing living in Rochdale? (England)"

How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.

How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

My penis is big and long, what else is... my condom... cucumber.

Do you know why you never mess with an orphan?

Because they’ve got guardians!

Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!