Catholic Jokes

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

What do you you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

what does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common they both ask people "WHERES THE MEAT!"

Catholic men say eating Broccoli is like anal sex. If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult 🤷🏽‍♂️

What do Macdonalds and Priests both do? They both put their meat between 10 year old buns

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him "What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

Im treated like god when im home, im usually ignored until someone wants something.

what do fat demons hate, exorcise

You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent ? Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent

A catholic school is burning down, one of the priest says: 'SAVE THE CHILDREN, SAVE THEM', an another priest says: F*CK THE CHILDREN, we're gonna die!! The last priest is like: hmmm... do we have time?

Why am I banned from my catholic orphanage? Because the children kept calling my daddy.

Why do catholic Irishman in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saints Patrick's Day

Who would win? The laws of the catholic church which have been affective for over 900 years

one horny henry

whats the difference between a zit and a catholic priest? a zit will wait til 12 before it cums on your face.

What do catholic priests and JCPennys have in common?

Little boys pants half off.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.