Catholic Jokes

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him "What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

What do catholic priests and JCPennys have in common?

Little boys pants half off.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne Waits until you're 13 to come on your face

Im treated like god when im home, im usually ignored until someone wants something.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge”.

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt

“It’s really not your day, is it?”

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence

What is a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the childs body.

what do fat demons hate, exorcise

What do you you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do you call a catholic priest who molests children? A catholic priest

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

what does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common they both ask people "WHERES THE MEAT!"

I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate".

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic