Catholic jokes
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"
Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
Who would win?
The laws of the Catholic Church which have been effective for over 900 years,
Or one horny Henry?
Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?
Because the children kept calling me "daddy."
What is a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child’s body.
What do McDonalds and priests both do?
They both put their meat between 10-year-old buns.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic.
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.