Catholic Jokes

NotAKiller AreYouACop?

You’d think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

Anonymous
in Religion

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

1
Anonymous
in Religion

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

in Priest

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him “What are you doing?!” Exclaims the priest

“There is nothing on this Earth for me.” The Muslim says “I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!”

The priest shakes his head

“Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!” He says

“Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school.”

Person

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

5
Keanu

What do catholic priests and JCPennys have in common?

Little boys pants half off.

6
Anonymous

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

3
an actual Eel

what do fat demons hate, exorcise

Anonymous

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

in Priest

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne Waits until you’re 13 to come on your face

Jim Barrett
in Priest

What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common? A: They both come in a little behind

Anonymous
in Priest

What’s the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic

5
Buzzkill

Im treated like god when im home, im usually ignored until someone wants something.

Anonymous
in Priest

What do you call a catholic priest who molests children? A catholic priest

3

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It’s now getting harder to hide DNA evidence

Anonymous
in Priest

what does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common they both ask people “WHERES THE MEAT!”

TheAutisticTroll

I always hated being born a catholic as a kid, the way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church, I was always thinking “for God’s sake just pick a position and fuck me”

Anonymous
in Religion

I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, “God is watching you when you masturbate”.

I said, “Is God a pedophile too, Father?”

2
Anonymous
in Religion

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

8