Catholic jokes
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?
Catholics are registered sex offenders.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.
What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Did you know that good Catholic girls like to WAP?
Yeah, they are all about Worship and Prayer.
They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?
Kevin McClean
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Taig