Protection jokes
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
Why is an orphan so scared of the dark?
They don't have a dad to check the closet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so they could fuck in the water. But Jack forgot to use protection and now they have a daughter.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Nechen has been writing articles for the class for years.
Then the Guru asked him, "If I die now, what will be on my grave?" Fritchen searched for the plastic bag and shouted, "This is a protective bag!!"
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a good year, and one's a great year.
Why is leather armor better for sneaking than steel armor?
Leather armor is made of hide.
The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."
The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."
The condom just sitting there laughing.
Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.
We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?
Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is an owl that wears armor?
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
Why do orphans love violent video games like GTA?
They never had parents to protect them from it.