Guard jokes
Am I a guard or a guava?
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!
My great uncle died in a concentration camp.
He fell off one of the guard towers.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?
“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?
Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."
The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."
First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"
Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.
What do you call a person that guards a Samsung store?
A Guardian Of The Galaxy :)
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.
My grandfather died at Auschwitz.
Poor fella fell off the guard tower.
I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.
Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.