Guard jokes

The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...

"Don't let your guard down."

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?

Mooooooooooo along!

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Am I a guard or a guava?

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?

Only one is wanted.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."

The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."

First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"

Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What do you call a dog that tells the time?

A watchdog.

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.

Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.

My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.

I got caught peeing in the pool.

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.