Equipment jokes
Your mama is so fat, guys have to bring climbing equipment to have sex with her.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, just to go skydiving twice.
If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
Why is bungee jumping similar to a condom?
Because if the rubber snaps, you're fucked.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Ball stretcher.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
Why couldn't the astronaut put the helmet on his head?
Because he didn't have enough space.
What has 4 legs and two gloves?
All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️
What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
Q: What do you call a shed full of black fellas?
A: Retired Farming Machinery.
What did the mic say to the rapper?
"Don’t DROP me, bro!"
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.