Problem jokes
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
Why do bugs hate the internet?
Because they always get caught.
Get it? Inter-net?
What’s wrong with a gay bbq?
All the hotdogs taste like shit.
If you're ever bored just fuck some orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why can’t English people play chess? They ain't got no queen.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with him?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"
Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.
Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?
Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.
Tell it to your parents and friends!
Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.
I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.
Why I can’t be skinny? I hurt myself for fatting. - Jenny
Hello please I want gain wait. - Jenny year later.
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
He doesn't know where home is.
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he doesn't know if he is black or white.
Yo mama so fat when she step on a scale it say, "To be continued..."
In America, you work on a plantation.
In Soviet Russia, the plantation works on you!
Why did Daveon decide to become a magician? Because he wanted to make his problems "Daveon" disappear.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.