how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
you flip it over.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
how to solve world hunger and over population?
Cannibalism.
What's the best way to remove gum from hair?
Cancer.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
Violence is never the answer:
It's the solution.
So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)
How do you get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
I don’t see what the problem is.
The Supreme Court came up with a solution to the tampon shortage, yet all the liberals are pissed!
Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.
The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.
The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
