Occupation jokes
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"
"Shut up and pass me the mop."
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
A gingerbread man walks into the doctor’s office with a broken arm. He asks the doctor, “Doc, what should I do? My arm is broken!”
The doctor then looks at him and says, “Have you tried icing?”
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Why did the rapper become an astronaut?
To drop some BARS in SPACE!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor!"
What do you call a Fuhrer who's also a fitness coach?
Adolf Fit-ler.
I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.
Joke: What do you call a gay alligator detective?
Answer: An Investigator