License jokes
I saw your license. It said you're 15.
I checked your face. It says you're 50.
Can I get a building license?
It's the end of the world!
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
What plate do you need to eat in a car? A license plate!
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she is a girl.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
Why are orphans lucky?
Because when they drive, they don’t need a license plate, because they don’t have a home.
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's a woman.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman... no other reasons besides that.
Yo mama so fat, they had to give her a license plate.
What's a whale's favorite James Bond movie? "License to Krill."