The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
What do you call an Asian receptionist?
Tai Ping.
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
I didn't come into the prostitution business...
It came into me.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
-"I want my quarterback."
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
FIRST DATE
Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
