Butcher Jokes

Anonymous

i just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher

Collin

on a date me - "I get to work with animals all day" her - "How sweet! What do you do?" me - “I’m a butcher.”

8
Anonymous

at a date : he: i work with animals everyday me: oh how sweet!what do you do? he:I’m a butcher

2
geust

FIRST DATE

man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher…

Kejel
in Bar

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer but they only had 2 dollars each. Christopher got an idea and run away to the butcher and see if he got something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

  • Are you crazy?! Said Tony to Christopher. ‘We don’t have any money!’
  • Take it easy now, said Christopher. 'I have a plan.' When they finnished drink everything up christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth. The bartender saw what they did and throw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub. After the 10th pub said Tony: I can’t do this anymore. I am drunk and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk.
  • How do you think i feel? Said Christopher exhausted. ’ I dropped the sausage in the 3th pub!’
Phydeaux

Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr Dickinson…

5
Anonymous
in Gambler

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher’s shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?" The butcher says, “Why yes, as a matter of fact I am.” "Then I’ll bet you $25 you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there." The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I’m sorry, I won’t take that bet." The guy says, “But I thought you said you were a gambling man.” “I am. But the steaks are too high.”

Anonymous
in Puns

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you

i went to a butcher house with my little cousin and seen a baby pig and told her look its pepa pig

she started crying

D.K.

“I work with animals” the man said to his date. his date said “I love a man who works with animals what job is it for the animal” “I am a butcher” said the man

Anonymous

My ex died today. I also lost my job as a butcher

Death&Decay

went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, “Oh, how sweet. What do you do?” I said, “I’m a butcher.”

Anonymous

I work with animals!! What do you do? I’m a butcher

Gladnesstobesadness
in Depression

What is a suicidal horny persons job?

, a butcher

A dog
in Ex

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday…lets just say i quit my job as a butcher

Anonymous

I went to the local butchers and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies “I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer”

“What did you do with the meat slicer?” I asked.

The butcher says “I had to fire her too”

Alternative punchline:

I had to all social services, she was only 14

John Mills
in Poor

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop I thought there had been a horrible accident.

Anonymous
in Puns

Why didn’t the butcher cut the fillet?

Because it was a misteak

J0K35
in Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because these jokes are not funny

Heres why the chicken crossed the road…

The chicken was on the run from a crazy-ass butcher ready to murder the poor thing, so the chicken crossed the road.The chicken was crossing the road, then a blind kid saw the chicken, and the kid was hit by a flying rock, his vision was blurred (what vision?) and was actually cured of the blind. The chicken ran and jumped into a truck’s opening, and was never seen again… The kid got up from the ground and looked at the road, to see the chicken was not there, and said…" The chicken crossed the road…" The kid yelled at everyone about the chicken crossing the road, and got a lot of positive attention. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit was full of the chicken nonsense, and gained widespread attention from N.A to Asia in only 1 day.

The butcher was arrested for the attempted murder of a joke animal, and was sentenced to over 20 years in solitary confinement, and a few weeks later, the sentence was moved to a life sentence, and the butcher became known as The ChicKiller.

The End (hope you enjoyed, i was bored so i made this shit…)

Anonymous

Hi dog dog: woof! butcher: say less

Nathan

How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.

dead baby fergustus

First Date: HE:“i work with animals every day!” SHE:“oh how sweet! what is it that you do?” HE:“I’m a butcher” SHE:“perfect i work with humans i just kill them by cutting them up!” HE:"so its you in the news paper?"SHE:"yes it was,wanna be next?" HE:“no!”

dead meat

First Date: HE:"i work with animals every day!" SHE:"oh how sweet! what is it that you do?" HE:"I’m a butcher" SHE:“were through!”

Grant's Gay
  • I work with animals
  • Great! What job?
  • A butcher
big sexy girl
in Udder

Why did ze cow cross the road?

yo watch his mum getting butchered she was an udder faliure