Butcher Jokes

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

Why did the man say chickens were lucky?

Because they get killed and eaten.

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."

The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."

The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."

"I am. But the steaks are too high."

I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"

She started crying.

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

"I work with animals," the man said to his date.

His date said, "I love a man who works with animals. What job is it for the animal?"

"I am a butcher," said the man.

What is a suicidal horny person's job?

A butcher.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

Teacher: What is a cow?

Kid: Meat.

Teacher: Nice. What is a chicken?

Kid: Eggs.

Teacher: What does the big fat pig give you?

Kid: Homework.

Dog: Woof!

Butcher: Say less.

Butcher knives are great tools for cutting many things!

Fruit, vegetables, my arms.

How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.