Workplace jokes

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.

A receptionist at the Twin Towers orders two pepperoni pizzas. She was upset when she got two planes.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?

Because they always come out clean.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."