Workplace jokes

What's the difference between an office worker and a vegetable?

They both sit in "wheelchairs," but only one can get out of it.

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."

Vortex: "You'll do what?"

Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"

*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*

Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.

I saw a kid crying in the corner. I asked them where their parents are. Man, I love working at an orphanage!

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

One time I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage!

Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

I had a job at a banana factory. I got fired because I threw away the bent ones.

What person can't work at a family business? An orphan.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *pauses porn* Why?

When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.

When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.

A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.