My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The epileptic corn shucker “shucks between fits”...
I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.
Why is a pro fighter like a fisher?
They both can throw a hook.
Mom, can I be a firefighter when I grow up?
Mom: Oh, you won't grow up, Caillou.
What do you call an alligator that reads maps? Navigator.
What knight is never wrong?
Sir Tain.
What is a suicidal horny person's job?
A butcher.
What starts with "s" and ends with "erm"? SuperM.
This means both "matrix" and "master" so take out the "u" and then you just get "master". When you think of sperm, you think of porn. If you're a master at something, you're also a star at it. So you get porn star.
What is an army member's top drink?
WARter.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mail man.
Mailman who?
Bitch, do you want your mail?
What is the difference between an orphan and a mailman?
The mailman goes home at the end of the day.
The average stripper weighs 112 lbs.
According to the pole 💈.
Q: What do Moses and hookers have in common?
A: They've dealt with a burning bush.
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" At the butcher shop"
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
