My jokes
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
Your mom's my dad. Think about that!
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.
"What's 9 + 10?"
"21" (lol XD)
Also:
"My name Jeff" (Roar XD)
One more thing:
Ninja has ligma.
What did the fish say to the other fish?
"I want my life to be H2O-ver!"
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
My god, my egg jokes are eggcellent!
I still remember my granddad's last words,
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
She’s so therapeutic.
When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."