My jokes

I wish I was dead like my jokes.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Son: Dad, I'm gay.

Dad: I support you.

Son: I like you.

Dad: Get out and into my room!

"Fortnite battlepass, I just shit out my ass."

Fortnite, Fortnite, did I mention Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite?

Join my beta communication community committee commission Cumbria, please guys and girls and gurls. It's all inclusive b&b.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!