My jokes

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.