My jokes

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.

I love to have sex. And my name is Lex. Which one should I be with next? I really hate my ex. I just saw a huge T Rex, And I think you probably saw this text.

Welcome for the rhyme.

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

The dirtiest football player in my school was the smallest.

He was just trying to find out who was tickling his balls.

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.

When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were.

Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.