Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
My Jokes
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?
Divorced.
My career is worth more than your adoption.
My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"
When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher š
Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.
Thank you, nurse!
So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.
The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"
The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?
Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
My grandpa and your hairline go way back.
Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.
(meaning sad)
I thought happiness started with an āH.ā Why does my happiness start with āUā?
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?
"Put it in my bill."
My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.
