My jokes
I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
My career is worth more than your adoption.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
Memes
You are the special
My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."
My grandpa lost his toe today. đ
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"
So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.
"I'm the big man, catching the kids in my big van." - Ben 2021
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.
I don't know, my friend did it.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldnât steal anything.
My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says itâs my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
Me: The light wow brighter than my future.
Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.