My jokes

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

I'm bored. If you want to friend me in Roblox, my username is Talitha95g and my nickname is talithafromamirica.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

Ur mom.

Oops my bad! 😬

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"