My jokes
My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.
It's my bday
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What's the similarity between an orphan and my dick?
They both will die alone.
Are you the Twin Towers? Because you made my heart explode.
I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.
I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.
Me: The light wow brighter than my future.
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"