My jokes

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?

Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?

"Put it in my bill."

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

My sis is very funny. Her fave joke is:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Mr. Nobody." "Mr. Nobody who?" "I just told you!"

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."