My Jokes

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

Anime memes replaced by breaking bad

The image shows four similar pictures of Walter White, labeled 'Me', 'My sister', 'My Mother', and 'My Dad' respectively, at the top. A fifth picture is shown below with the label 'My stepsister'. The text above the pictures says: '*When my sister catches me watching porn*'.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was Spanish for blowjob.

Lily, Amy, Natalie, and Gabriella, it's my birthday tomorrow. Please come if you want to come. If you come to the party, there will be snacks and cake. Ty.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."