My jokes

This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.

Depression: Here, your mom just died.

Me: My mom is already dead.

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?

I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

Ur mom.

Oops my bad! 😬

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

My bum hurts.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.