Medicine jokes
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?
Because they need parents' signature.
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.
Q: Why do I like bone jokes so much?
A: Because they are humerus.
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
CANCER!
Just kidding, they are both fun to laugh at.
What is a neonatal's first time in the world?
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?
They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas? AIDS.
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
Abortions = yeetis of the fetus.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
Because dead babies make the best chum! :)
What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?
Answer: Assprin.
Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.
What’s the best part of stage four cancer?
A: There’s no stage five.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"