Medicine jokes

What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

What do we want?!

A cure for Tourette's!!

When do we want it?!

Cunt!!!

Hey girl, are you osteoporosis, because you're giving me a "bone" condition.

If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?

Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?

A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"

Q: Why do I like bone jokes so much?

A: Because they are humerus.

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Why can't Oregon go to the doctor?

Because they need parents' signature.

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?