Medicine jokes
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
Your forehead so big you got to take Tylenol pills, big like chocolate chip cookies.
With great depression comes great antidepressants.
What do you give a pig when it has a rash?
Oinkment.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.