Medicine jokes
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
Hi! Welcome to Papa John's abortion clinic, where yesterday's meat is today's treat. How may I be of service?
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.
Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.
Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
What did the doctor say to the orphan?
"I can't help you with cancer, I'm a family doctor!"
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Why do people consume "Laxatives"?
Answer: So that they can take a "Shit", STUPID!
What do you call an Italian with an anesthetic?
Ruberto
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!