ME jokes

Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide

Me: Aren't they the same thing?

Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."

Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."

Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

There is a young lady.

She is beautiful.

She got much vote.

But she speaks very fast.

Does she think she looks smart doing that?

She makes me feel bad.

Hahaha. These eggs surely crack me up!

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

Free blacks in the Civil War is the same as me drawing a reverse card in Uno.

I'm pretty sure that "MOI MOI" means "ME! ME!" does it?

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

I don't like Roblox Adopt Me. It reminds me of my past.

Video game company names always make me make puns I didn't intend to.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What is Michael Jackson's favorite phrase to parents of boys? "Leave me alone!"

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.