ME jokes

Today a canvasser came to my door asking if I wanted to make a donation to protect women in the Congo.

I told her no.

The canvasser got a little upset with me and said, "Don't you know that the Congo is the rape capital of the world?"

"Then they should be used to it by now," I replied.

Wanna know why your pussy reminds me of a garbage bag?

Because you fill it, stretch it out, and let it stink for weeks.

Now that I think about it, Jane Doe's story actually makes complete sense. If I were dumb enough to show up blackout drunk for a threesome at a frat party, it'd probably also take me 20 days of regret to realize that being raped is a way better look than a gang-bang straight off of Pornhub.

My field trip at school earlier:

Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"

Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."

Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."

Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"

Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*

Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"

Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"

Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."

*Window breaks*

Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"

The end.

You know, my mom told me to become an astronaut.

I told her I don't want to become the next firework.

Why did I get a divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Child: Dad, I want you to say "I'm a Man" after everything I say!

Dad: Uh, okay?

Child: My wife cheated on me.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I went to the bar.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: I met a hot girl.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: So I brought her home.

Dad: I'm a man.

Child: After sleeping together, she woke up, faced me and said...

Dad: I'm a man.

My sister asked me, "Brother, how do babies come into the world?" Then my mom said, "Be quiet and fuck your brother, darling."

Is that the answer?

The doctor gave me 6 months to live.

So I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years.

Problem solved.

It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"

He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."

So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."

Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"

I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."

What's that thing that walks on two legs, washes dishes, sucks my cock, cooks, cleans, bends over for me and never fucking shuts up?

Femoids.

(Teacher): "What's one sport you want to do, but you're not good at?"

(Me): "Suicide."

What do me, emos, and Monster cans have in common?

A barcode.

A man complains to a slave dealer: "The slave you sold me died!"

"By the gods," replies the dealer, "he never did that when I owned him!"

Retard. Retard. Retarded. Abortion. Cross burning.

Look at me, I'm funny and edgy.

Michael J. Fox came up to me the other day and introduced himself to me. He said, "Hey, what’s shaking?"

I said, "You."

Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.

Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.

And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.

Hey, wanna know why you remind me of a waitress?

Because you handle my food great, and I give you a good tip afterwards.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I was sitting in the back of the movie theater, where no one was. Suddenly, she was sitting in front of me with some guy she was hugging. I was furious. I couldn't stay there anymore, so her friend and I had to finish it in the toilet.

So I was sitting on my couch, watching this homophobic TV show all about "straight and great". But then I remember, "Aren't I part of the LGBTQ?"

So I say, "Oh my God, let's throw it out the window because that would be a good idea!" But then it gets run over by 123,456,789 cars. It gave me a $150,000 fine. Guess I'm broke.