ME jokes

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

My friend: "Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny."

Me: "C'mon it's not that deep."

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.

Who's the fastest reader?

Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."