Jesus

Mechanical Manic

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Jump

Anonymous

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, your f**ked.

6

Orphan

Noddle

Cmon man, give the orphans a break with these jokes

No, not until their parents pick them up

Baby

Anonymous

Why are babies called bundles of joys? When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

0

Sandwich

Anonymous

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

6

Japanese

Bryce

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

Bone

Person

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

5

Ground

Black

Dead people jokes are the best there ground breaking.

0

Stick

Anonymous

sticks and stones may break my bones but a crowbar could do it so much quicker

Puns

Anonymous

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

4

Poor

Anonymous

Your so poor people break into your house and leave things

Sadness

Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friends pen, in the end he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chickens life

Fall

Anonymous

Dad: "if they jumped off a bridge would you?" Tommy: “yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!”

Stick

I was in an argument with a “friend” at school. he said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”…

…so I threw a dictionary at him.

Personal

Stripper Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, your pretty much screwed.

Ground

Mckenzie

Suicidal people are ground breaking

1

Cry

Anonymous

Knock Knock! Who’s their? It’s Dave! Dave Who? *Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Woman

Person

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.”

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”

Astronaut

Daniel King

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

Born

Natalie

A boy breaks a vase and his mom says its ok honey mistakes happen how do you think you were born