Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
Dead people jokes are the best, they're ground breaking.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."
"No, not until their parents pick them up."
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
