Language jokes
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"
In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Why can't dinosaurs talk?
Because they are all dead.
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
What is a gay person's favorite book?
The dictionary.
Why can't two Asians make a white baby?
Because two wongs don't make a white.
Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."
The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."
Two cats called "1,2,3" & "un, deux, trois" had a swimming race across the channel.
1,2,3 cat won because un, deux, trois cat sank!
Spell Mississippi.
M-I-S-S-I-P-P~
Haha you said pp.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.
A French Sans would greet you with the "o bone-jour".
What kind of birds stick together?
Vel-crows.
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.
The worst joke ever.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
Why was 9 thankful to 6? Because 6 8 7 2.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
...