90+ Threat Jokes

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

The image is a three-panel comparison. The top panel shows a silhouette of a couple kissing with the text 'KIDS HAVE CRUSHES'. The middle panel shows a black and white photo of a couple embracing, with the text 'MEN HAVE GIRLFRIENDS'. The bottom panel shows a distorted, dark image of Mario with the text 'I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS'.

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

Buy KFC or else.

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have no balls, neither will you. 🔪🔪

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."