"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.
Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."
What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple, Not F***ing blue!
I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
What do you call an Asian who can't hear?
Wha U Sai
A Mexican was doing a magic trick. He said, "uno, dos," then disappeared without a trace.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
