Speech jokes
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.
Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"
The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?
JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
I wrote down a speech at home yesterday.
When I got to school, I was speechless.
Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."
My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.
Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.
My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."